Sit On The Bed
One of the best things we did as parents was to have our kids come sit on our bed when they came home in the evening. When the front door opened we would say hello from our bedroom (we were close to the front door) and ask “how did it go?” They would come in, sometimes late at night, and sit on the end of the bed. For 5 to 10 minutes they would fill us in on their night. Every once in a while they would fall asleep at our feet. Sometimes we listened other times we asked questions. It was a point of connection, a time to share brief stories and over the years turned into, on occasion, a heartfelt time to share values. Eventually it became routine and something we all felt good about.
It was also a time we could assess how their night went and if anything went array. Drinking…is part of adolescent culture. We didn’t want to ignore that fact. We wanted to lean into it without pushing them away. Simple check-ins at the end of the night helped us get a sense of the evening and we believe gave them some cover.
To this day our adult children come sit on the bed when they are home for holidays. We cherish the time and are thankful for every minute.
*Note: if something troubling comes up deal with it in the morning
This past weekend all of our kids where at home. Ryan came back for the weekend (he is a junior at Cal Poly San Luis Obispo). Alex also came back for a night (he is a freshman at UCLA). Last night, after a family outing, Sue casually went over to Ryan’s room and lounged on his bed. I could hear the two of them talking – muffled voices. An hour later she emerged. I just smiled – more connection and thankfulness.
Our job is to show up. Just be present. No forced conversation. No agenda. Be patient. Patience takes self-control. Self-control takes work. As parents we need to work. They are absorbing the things you care about and they are doing it in a way that builds relationship. Some of our best times with the kids have been in a long car ride with really no talking. Be intentional without being didactic.
