The Nagging Parent – Why Do Teens Hide In Their Room?

I come home from work, put my bags down, perhaps change into sweats, and get to work on the second part of my day – the house, dinner, laundry and homework. I look around and my teenagers are doing homework with extended concentration.  I start to pick up the living room around them and the thought occurs to me that they might not be so productively engaged. I want to peek around, to verify that they are indeed doing homework and not passing the time idoly playing a game, watching a show or chatting with friends while I am working. In my mind, I begin to criticize their abundance of freedom, judge their use of time and utter obliviousness to the needs around them.  I stomp around making my home tidy and ordered. It’s definitely not peaceful though. Everyone can feel the tension.  

Am I just a boss of three workers doling out orders?  After all it is good for them to pitch in, to go out of their way and to serve.  Or am I the mom of three teenagers that need presence and connection?  The answer is yes to both.  

If I’m not careful, I find myself playing taskmaster ordering my workers left and right, day after day and week after week.  Does the employer/employee paradigm dominate your household?

Is this the time when I compose myself and ask them to help out? Am I asking them to help so I can get a break? Sure, but it’s much more than the need for a break. Helping is good for them. It is good for them to feel they have a purpose in the household that goes beyond passively receiving the service of others, but actively loving and showing love to the people around them. Loving means giving, serving and sacrifice.

I hold my tongue because now, in the middle of my to-do-list, is the time not for chores, but for relationship. I set my Swiffer down and plop myself on the couch next to my son.  Sometimes he will go on with whatever he was doing, but this time he doesn’t. He looks over at me and we get caught up on the day, often through me telling him a bit about mine. We connect, we waste a bit of time together, we listen, we talk. For a minute it is a relief to stop barking orders with the high possibility that they will be ignored.   For a moment I rest in the relationship.  It’s hard to get the balance right. Often I am guilty of ordering my teens around whenever they peek their head outside of their bedroom doors. My conversations are filled with requests, commands, speeches and pleas to help get things done. When I call their name they know what’s coming. I wonder why they stay in their rooms for so long? Am I seen as the taskmaster or one they want to actually spend time with? 

Here’s the thing. After spending some time catching up with my son, we feel connected. From a place of feeling connected, he is reminded that I care about him and he cares about me too. I’m not saying he leaps off the couch and cleans his room, but I have set the stage for him to receive my requests for help as ones that benefit him and communicate love to me. 

It is important that my kids don’t look at their teenage years thinking our relationship was manager to employee, feeling that I only wanted “things” from them.  I don’t want the bulk of our conversation to be “Alex dump the trash”, “Ryan do your homework”, “Lindsey take your sister to practice”, or  “Ellie go to bed.” If not not careful that is what happens.  It is easy to tell them what to do.  However, it is equally important that they feel a sense of pride, ownership and responsibility for the hard things.  Love comes in both forms – providing opportunities to serve and building relationships.

My mothers voice is most beautiful when it utters daring challenges and invites meaningful conversations.