Coming Home For Christmas – The Art of Being Together Again
Our kids typically return to the home base for the holidays. These are exciting times for the family. The connection of siblings, grandparents, and parents happy to see their kids. It is important to keep in mind that kids and parents may be feeling different things. Here are a few things to keep in mind.
TWO WORLDS MEET – Your kids have a world of their own. It is likely a world you are unfamiliar with. People you have never met, experiences you don’t know about, unseen pressures and dynamics, missteps, clothes you don’t recognize, varied routines, eating habits, new haircuts and perhaps even a tattoo. Often, they have new ideas and thoughts that might rub you the wrong way. Their world is important to them. It is something they are establishing, or it may already be established. It is something they may long to return to sooner than later so that they can continue to build. Don’t be surprised if they plan to leave before you expected.
Relax. Don’t worry that this world is new or that you aren’t fully apart of it. Try and enjoy what they have been up to. Don’t ask to many questions as if you have been left out. You haven’t been intentionally left out. They have just moved out and their path is part of life. Try and show interest and most of all be positive.
Time for sharing your thoughts, concerns, getting up to speed and giving constructive feedback will come. Don’t force it.
DON’T FORCE THEM BACK INTO YOUR WORLD – Be intentional but, drop the agenda. You might want things the way they used to be, and you might have ideas of how the holidays should go. Of course, your plans matter and your world matters. However, don’t be surprised if they aren’t thinking about you as much as you are thinking about them. Don’t try and pull them into your things. Rather enter into what they are thinking and what they might want to do. After you do that, they are likely to accept your invitations to do a few things that are important to you. They will be more open to what you want to say or things you may want to accomplish.
My wife always takes the slow route with our kids. I want to jump right in, share my opinions and ask questions. Typically, her endeavors are much more fruitful. They take patience and they build connection.
If you can find something you all care about then it is easier. My boys and my youngest daughter like to play golf together. So, suggesting that activity gets a great response and we have a lot of fun.
Another idea that might work is to invite their friends over for dinner. Or allow them to host a dinner at the house with their friends that you can help out with. This doesn’t always come to pass but, when it does it is a good connection of the two worlds.
TIME TO BE THEMSELVES – For many of our kids coming home means letting their guard down. They can be themselves, warts and all. They have less pressure to perform, hide true feelings, and often are less courteous.
A few years ago my adult kids were being fairly rude. I asked all of them “do you act that way around your friends or with your roommates?” They said, “of course not.” Confused, I said “why do you act that way around me?” They all agreed and said, “because we can be ourselves around you.” I laughed. Was this just an excuse for bad behavior or was it a compliment? I am glad they feel loved enough to be themselves. I reminded them being yourself doesn’t mean treating others in the house rudely. Expectations and courtesy matter. There is balance here.
Forcing things, tackling your agenda, creating your own plan, sharing all your thoughts can push them away. Keep a loose grip on your plans, enter into their world, all the while looking for moments to bring them into what you care about.
Listen more, talk less and enter in. Do this and you are likely to capture their heart, mind and attention and build relationship.
MORE TIPS
Plan two or three family things when they are home. Let the rest be impromptu.
Do the easy things with them either individually or in small groups. Go grab a cup of coffee. Go for a bike ride or walk. Keep it simple.
Put your work away when they are home.
Briefly remind them of one or two things you care about, not much more. For me it is the importance of developing a lifestyle of thanksgiving.
Call or facetime grandparents together.
Look at pictures together. This is a great way to share memories.
Go visit them. Before they leave make a loose plan to visit them on a non-holiday. The visit should be short.
