How Much Should We Talk? – Setting the Ground Rules for College

When Lindsey chose to attend college 20 minutes from home on the Westside of Los Angeles, we were thrilled. We were not opposed to her going away to college, and in fact, going out of state has many benefits. On the other hand, we were glad to avoid the cost of travel and the difficulty of “flying in” to see her, that she would establish more friendships on the West Coast, and that the goodbyes after summers and holidays would be easy. In fact, one of the main reasons she chose to stay in Los Angeles was so that she could be near her younger sister, who was 10 at the time.

Before she left, we sat down and discussed the transition, expectations, finances, and new ground rules for our relationship. Being clear on these matters in advance is helpful. 

I asked her, “So, how often should we text?” I was proud of my question, feeling that it was the responsible thing to allow her to set the guidelines. She responded, “Once a month.” Did the world stop? I was suspended in time. Did she just say “once a month”? That’s right, she laid out a “once a month” texting plan. I gathered myself and said I’d been thinking a few times a week, but once a month was fine.

Our new rhythm needed to be worked out. We were on the road from teenager to adult friend, and this new relationship dynamic needed some time. She was still my daughter and I was still her dad, yet the ground rules were changing. She needed me, and yet she didn’t. It was all a bit strange.

The day we moved her in was good. We enjoyed the process of learning her new system. We ate lunch in the dorms, walked her route to classes, found a few cool study spaces, and met her roommates. We kept expressing our immense gratitude that she was at her dream school. I didn’t want the day to end. 

Just after dinner, we said goodbye and left her to her new home. Ten seconds after we drove away, my wife burst into tears, and I wasn’t far behind. A minute later, the phone rang. It was Lindsey. She was in tears. We put the call on the speaker. She expressed her gratitude to us, and we shared our love and confidence in these next steps. She said, “Dad, you can text me anytime you feel like it.”

Yes, this new rhythm needed time to settle. Some adjustments needed to happen.

When my youngest son found out he had to sign off to give me permission to view his college account, he balked. He asked me why he had to sign and was not sure he wanted to give me that permission. He wanted to create some distance, stand on his own two feet, and have more privacy. He didn’t want me to nose around in his business. After a short conversation, he informed me that he wouldn’t sign. I briefly informed him that if he didn’t sign, I wouldn’t sign his tuition check. He signed. We then proceeded to have a further conversation about proper boundaries and landed on things we both felt comfortable with.

Being clear and honest about this new type of relationship is important. I encourage parents to sit down with their college students and share expectations, desires, hopes, and dreams. Practical conversations about finances, grades, part-time jobs, parent involvement, holidays, and summers are key. Not everything needs to be worked out in one sitting. However, putting things on the table is a good starting point.