My Son Won’t Talk To Me. What Do I Do?
Teenagers can disappear. Don’t worry they aren’t gone forever. It may take a while, but they will return.
Teenagers can get in their heads. They are processing so many new things it’s as if there isn’t room for Mom or Dad. What should I wear? How should I stand? What should I say? Who will my friends be? Will I fail? Will they like me? Why is everyone looking at me? Did you see what she posted? Should I post that picture? Yes. No. I’m not sure. These questions and more dominate their thoughts and seem to paralyze them. They are trying things on for the first time. They are insecure and nervous.
We all know the proverbial interaction. Son comes home from practice. Mom says, “How was your day?” Son says “fine” and walks off. As an educator, I have heard that report from parents over and over for 35 years. They literally give us nothing. No information. It can be infuriating. After all, we are caring and curious parents who take joy in what our kids are up to. We love to be in the know but often we are pushed away.
A couple of tips. First, be patient. Be ok with silence. Don’t force it. Our kids traveled to middle school and high school with us in the car. We are both educators and our kids went to our schools. The commute to middle school was 40 minutes each way. To high school, it was 30 minutes. Those minutes add up. The days in the car sitting in traffic on the 10 Freeway were priceless. Typically, I had one kid at a time. The boys would usually fall asleep. There was so much silence. The girls would control the radio. There was presence, connection and from time to time they would open up. I would wait and every so often we would have a dynamic meaningful conversation. The rest of the time we would just have a good time being together. There was no agenda. Be ok with silence. Don’t force it. Find time to be with them for extended minutes and with no agenda.
Second, don’t ask them about their day. They will rarely tell you what is going on and when they do it will be a summary of events and not a lot more. Instead, tell them about your day. Tell them the good things that happened, the crazy things, and the hard things. This draws them in. Not always, but often. When we tell our kids what is going on with us, they are interested and then begin to open up about themselves. Try it.
Side note: If want info on your kids, talk to their friends’ moms. Your kids’ friends don’t tell their parents about themselves but from time to time they will tell their parents what is going on with your son. It is a teenage technique. Mom asks son what is going on. Son avoids the entire conversation by telling mom about their friends to avoid talking about themselves. I can’t tell you how much information I have found out about my kids by talking to the parents of their friends.
Eventually, they return, and when they do it is incredible. This summer our 21-year-old son spent the summer in Los Angeles doing an internship. The level of engagement, conversation, and interaction we had was a great joy. Either I was more entertaining and likable, or he was back. It was probably a bit of both. He is getting “out of his head.” He is more confident. In his mind, more questions have been answered. He knows more about navigating the adult world than he did when he was sixteen. At some point, they have more space to relax and consider things outside of their immediate sphere. They are no longer preoccupied with adolescent questions. They have experiences to share and begin to interact as adults.
Our relationships with our kids are meant to be built for a lifetime, not for a few fun years. Be patient, be intentional, and be available. Take the long view.
