We get this question all the time. Before I explain further, consider the following points.

• The vast majority of parties have alcohol where kids are drinking. If they tell you there won’t be alcohol, they are likely wrong.
  
  
• If a parent is hosting a party, they are likely okay with kids drinking in their home.
  
  
• Not all kids go to parties, and not all kids drink. The idea that everyone is doing it is not true.
  
  
• Teenagers’ ability to make wise decisions is not yet fully developed. They think they have better judgment and more maturity than they do.
  
  
• Peer pressure is a real thing.
  
  
• Teens don’t want to be left out. They have a strong desire to be accepted and fit in.
  
  
• They will likely make mistakes at parties.
  
  
• Teens who are never allowed to participate socially can go wild in college.
  
  

Given the notes above, I suggest holding off on letting your teen attend parties for as long as possible. The later the better. As they grow older, they can better handle peer pressure, make more mature decisions, and are less susceptible to addiction. Their bodies, minds, social IQ, desire to fit in, maturity level, and ability to resist peer pressure are more advanced each year. We eventually did allow our kids to attend parties, helping them navigate the pressures and pitfalls before they went off to college. The journey they went through demystified the process, made it less appealing, and allowed them to develop strong character. They did make some mistakes along the way. However, because it wasn’t a secret, and we had strong guidelines, we were part of the process of helping them learn and navigate. Being pushed out of the process and having your kids lie and hide is problematic.

Here are a few guidelines we encourage:

• No parties until the 11th grade.
  
  
• If and when you allow them to go to parties:
  
  
  • Expect surprises. Be prepared for surprises. It is likely to happen.
    
    
  • No sleepovers. Sleepovers after parties, prom, and homecoming are almost always a disaster. Parents, please live in the real world. The desire for the sleepover is not always an innocent thing with teens. They usually have a plan you have no idea about.
    
    
  • Drop them off and pick them up. Especially in the early years of high school.
    
    
  • Don’t let them stay the entire time. As the hours march on, worse things can happen. Bad things typically occur after midnight. If the party is 9 to 1, tell them they can go from 9 to 11:30.
    
    
  • Ensure they don’t relocate. They go to the party and that’s it. When kids go from place to place, that means they are driving, and often they get into things that can be far worse than the actual party.
    
    
  • If they ever drink at a party, they are never to drive or get in a car with someone who has been drinking.
    
    
  • If they are in trouble, have them text you a code.
    
    
  • Have rules that allow you to be the bad guy and give your kids an out.
    
    
  • Don’t fully trust your teen, even the good ones. You love them. They are great. However, they aren’t the best decision makers and their maturity and judgement are not fully cemented yet.
    
    
  • Insist that your willingness to allow them to go to a party comes with their willingness to have you involved in the process. A lack of partnering with you on the details means no party.
    
    
  • When they come home, and if you didn’t pick them up, have them sit on the end of your bed, no matter the time. Then have a 2-3 minute conversation about the night. Kids tend to open up later at night. Just when you are exhausted might be the moment the floodgates open. Also, when they sit on your bed, you can tell if they have been drinking and generally what type of night they have had.
    
    
  • Never deal with discipline issues late at night after they come home. If they have made a mistake, address the most urgent problems. Lean in and tell them you love them. Provide presence, and then revisit it the next day. Parents can lack self-control and wisdom late at night. Deep down, kids are scared, and when they make a mistake, they are petrified. They need you badly. They will never tell you this. They will never tell you they need you or that they are scared. However, it’s true. In these moments, they need you. Draw them in, let them know that this parent-child relationship is of immense value. Hug them, show them grace. Don’t yell. Don’t share disappointment…The next day, when everyone is in a better spot, address the hard issues, give consequences, share more information, and really deal with the problem. But do it in a way that brings connection rather than fracture. This is not easy. It is really hard. This is where parents earn their “huge paychecks,” in these moments. If you yell, fight, or lash out at them, and mishandle these moments, they will close up, shut down communication, and you may lose them. You may push them into the arms of other teenagers for connection and wisdom. As if a 16-year-old friend knows what they are talking about. You know what you are talking about. You know your kid. They need you. Lean in wisely and with maturity to do what is needed. This is real love and pays off that night and down the road.